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What I’ve Learned Throughout Motherhood So Far: What’s Gotten Me Through & What I Wish I Knew Sooner

I’ve been a mom for 17 years now...closer to 18. That number alone blows my mind sometimes. Especially when I remember I had my first at 19 years old. A baby raising a baby. I’ve come a long way since then. This journey of motherhood has been filled with highs, lows, realizations, hard truths, vulnerable moments, awakenings, and constant evolving. But through it all, one thing has remained steady— love . That’s been the foundation since day one. And while the love for my children never wavered, I can’t lie...the love for myself ? That one took time. Motherhood Will Push You to Grow Motherhood pushes you. It stretches you. You suddenly have someone depending on you for everything , and that’s not something I ever took lightly. It forced me to grow, to mature, to show up even when I didn’t feel ready. And ironically enough, becoming a mom is what helped me find myself . But that didn’t happen overnight. In the beginning, I was still trying to figure out who I was. I didn’t have enough...
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Matrescence: What No One Tells You About Becoming a Mother


When you think of motherhood, what comes to mind? Sleepless nights? Cute baby onesies? Maybe even a magical “maternal instinct” that kicks in overnight? But what about the transition into motherhood — the emotional, physical, hormonal, and even spiritual shift? That’s where matrescence comes in.

What is Matrescence?

Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, matrescence is the process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence, it's a developmental transition — messy, beautiful, confusing, and deeply transformative.

Psychologist Aurélie Athan, PhD, from Columbia University, has helped bring this term into more mainstream conversations, emphasizing that it's not a one-time event (like birth), but an unfolding process that can take months — or even years.

What Happens During Matrescence?

Think of it like a total identity shake-up. You’re still you… but also not.

1. Hormonal Shifts

Your brain literally rewires itself during pregnancy and postpartum. Hormones like estrogen, oxytocin, and prolactin surge, influencing your mood, memory, and emotional sensitivity.

2. Psychological Changes

You might grieve parts of your old life, even while loving your baby. That’s normal. There’s often a deep sense of “Who am I now?” that’s rarely talked about — especially in the glow-up highlight reels of social media.

3. Social Shifts

Your relationships with your partner, friends, and even yourself might change. You may feel isolated, or that others “don’t get it” unless they’ve gone through it too.

4. Physical Changes

It’s not just about bouncing back (and please let’s ditch that phrase altogether). From pelvic floor recovery to sleep deprivation to how your body feels post-birth, the physical part is real and raw.

Signs You’re in the Thick of Matrescence

  • You feel like you're losing yourself while trying to care for everyone else.

  • You love your baby… but miss your old life.

  • You feel overwhelmed, even though you “should” be happy.

  • You're questioning your identity, values, or future goals.

  • You feel more deeply connected to the world — or more detached from it. Sometimes both.

Tips to Navigate Matrescence With Compassion

  1. Name It to Normalize It

    Just knowing there’s a name for this transition can be validating. You’re not broken — you’re evolving.

  2. Make Space for Grief and Joy

    You’re allowed to feel conflicting emotions. Missing your old life doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for your baby.

  3. Connect With Others in the Same Season

    Whether it’s a mom group, online community, or just a friend who gets it — connection is medicine.

  4. Check in With Your Mental Health

    Matrescence is not postpartum depression — but they can overlap. If you feel consistently hopeless, anxious, or detached, reach out to a professional.

  5. Honor Your Needs

    Rest. Eat. Move. Talk. Ask for help. You matter, too. Your needs don’t disappear just because you’re now someone’s mama.

  6. Let Go of “Supermom” Expectations

    Perfection is a myth. Messy and present is more than enough.

Helpful Resources & Sources

  • Dr. Aurélie Athan, Columbia University: aurelieathan.com

  • Raphael, Dana. The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. (1973)

  • Clancy, Kathryn. Matrescence and the Transformation of Motherhood, Scientific American, 2018.

  • Thompson, Alexandra Sacks, MD. “The Birth of a Mother,” The New York Times.

  • Sacks, Alexandra & Bindeman, Catherine. What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood.

Final Thoughts:

Matrescence is not a flaw in the system — it is the system. It’s proof that motherhood is not just about taking care of someone new, but becoming someone new.

If you're in this season, you're not alone. You're in the midst of something powerful. Messy, yes. Overwhelming, sure. But beautiful, too.


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